Item 24 - Get Eye Surgery Part 1

(Source)

(I've finally posted part 2, go here to read it)

I've been wearing glasses since I was 5 years old and in the intervening years I have won the questionable distinction of having the worst eyesight of anyone in my family (this was true even when my grandparents were still alive). I've tried nearly every style of eyewear from contacts (which are painful in my prescription) to birth control glasses (which are painful in fifth grade). I had the unfortunate timing when I was 14 of getting a pair of round specs. The following year was the year that Harry Potter hit in a big way in the US, this, as you might imagine, resulted in no end of comments.

I made a decision when I was in my twenties that as soon as my eyes stopped changing enough that it was viable I would get laser eye surgery so that I would never have to wear a pair of glasses again. Three years ago my eyes finally hit that point, unfortunately my bank account was not so immune to those fluctuations and I convinced myself to put it off a bit longer. This project however finally gave me the reason that I needed to pull the trigger. I figured I should do it while I don't need reading glasses and my flex spending account and insurance are going to cover the bulk of the costs.

So this last week I went in for the pre-surgery exam. They did the usual tests that I am so used to, although I will never not blink at that puff of air, and then proceeded to a series of exciting new (to me) inspections. The first was carried out by the same woman that does that glaucoma test, which induces me to think that they chose her for her sadistic tendencies. The first thing we did was put in eye drops to numb my eyes.

"I'm not sure that we got that fully in my right eye," I said.

"Well, you'd better get some more in there, I'm not always perfect on this test and I will have to poke you in the eye," she explained.

"In the future, that is the sort of information you should probably keep to yourself or share after the test is complete," I suggested as I proceeded to dump half the remaining eyedrops in each eye.

After she had finished poking me in the eye (which I cannot stress enough is something I almost never let people do), we proceeded to a machine that took a picture of the back of my eye. This was my favorite part of the entire exam for sheer coolness factor. This is in spite of the fact that the test consisted entirely of what I imagine to be a repurposed green Xerox lamp being shined in my eyes.

Next came the pupil dilating eyedrops.

My eyes, as they are normally. Those pores!

Sans glasses. Ladies.

Wait, did you guys hear... I think...

...Yeah, I think they're starting to kick in.

Ohhhhh shiiiiiii---

I went full hobbit. You never go full hobbit

After the remaining examinations were finished. I was allowed to leave. Thankfully it was night, but I spent the next day squinting at everything to keep any stray light out. The rest of the evening wasn't all that great either. Anything I tried to read looked like this:

Which I'm not used to seeing without three or four drinks to back it up. My surgery is scheduled for next month, which is when I will post part 2 of this thrilling saga.

(Part 2 is now up)